yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize