so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
