hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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