wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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