How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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