Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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