mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
