I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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