I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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