i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
