Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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