somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
