so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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