so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
