Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize