I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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