You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
