My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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