sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
