so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
