My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
