At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
