I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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