I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
