Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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