Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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