Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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