Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
