You're my little dorito
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
