I like my sex mixed with concussions.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
