i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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