My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
