he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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