I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
