Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
