I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
