im about as happy as oj after his trial
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
