You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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