My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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