when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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