You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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