Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
