Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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