I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
