her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize