why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
