I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
