my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
