where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
