I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
