People in love make me want to vomit
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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