If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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