I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
