can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
