She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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