You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
