Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
