I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
