hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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